My mom has always had weird paranoia about food. Twice in the summer of 2006, this was blatant for me.
I ate some unwashed strawberries and as always, Virginia "Boomer Cxnt/Thinkerbell" Snyder reacted as if I had just killed her son. I talked to my late friend Addie "NinjaKitten" Etter and she told me it was fine.
And then another time I ate an unskinned kiwi fruit, and old Boomer Cxnt acted like I had just raped Crystal with a shotgun.
Good night and good luck you asswipes!
Saturday, February 27, 2016
Tuesday, February 23, 2016
Fibar the pregnant guinea pig
When I was about five, we got a guinea pig for a pet. We named it "Fibar" after these high-fiber candy bars that I enjoyed eating for some reason.
It turned out Fibar was pregnant! I believe she had four babies. I remember three names. Messy, Bessy, and Jesse. They would get pneumonia and Jesse wouldn't make it. Messy and Bessy would live.
Messy drank a lot and Bessy ate a lot. Bessy lived a year longer than Messy, Eat more. Sure she/he only lived four years but Messy only lived three.
It turned out Fibar was pregnant! I believe she had four babies. I remember three names. Messy, Bessy, and Jesse. They would get pneumonia and Jesse wouldn't make it. Messy and Bessy would live.
Messy drank a lot and Bessy ate a lot. Bessy lived a year longer than Messy, Eat more. Sure she/he only lived four years but Messy only lived three.
Monday, February 22, 2016
White Cat (Bitey/Meow/Kittybits/Pearl)
Bitey was a cat of many names and many personalities. He was much like White 99 and I believe the spirit of White 99 lived on in Bitey. Born perhaps in 1991, this cat could be retroactively named White 101. You know Highway 101. Much more efficient than 99!
He was rather psychotic sometimes. At first he'd be very loving and purring and then he'd get upset and start trying to get his two claws and a rend. But it was a gentle correction, not an attack. He was a very beautiful cat when I first lived with him in 1995 but his hair began to fall out. I'd pet him in that spot and he'd gently get his harmless two claws and a bite on me, correcting my behavior. But it was a game.
He was a good cat but cursed too. He'd die in 2005 I believe as he began to start spraying and sneezing. He was Danielle's cat more than mine. And that's my stepsister Danielle, not my celebrity lover Danielle Panabaker.
He was rather psychotic sometimes. At first he'd be very loving and purring and then he'd get upset and start trying to get his two claws and a rend. But it was a gentle correction, not an attack. He was a very beautiful cat when I first lived with him in 1995 but his hair began to fall out. I'd pet him in that spot and he'd gently get his harmless two claws and a bite on me, correcting my behavior. But it was a game.
He was a good cat but cursed too. He'd die in 2005 I believe as he began to start spraying and sneezing. He was Danielle's cat more than mine. And that's my stepsister Danielle, not my celebrity lover Danielle Panabaker.
Smokey (Wolf/Beast)
Growing up I always called Smokey "Wolf" or "The Beast" or "Wolfenstein" or other names like that. But in reality, he was a rather submissive dog and not the beast I imagined him to be. Smokey and Lucy grew up together in their early years, but a fight broke up where he ripped her ear and she lived permanently at my mom's house while he'd remain at my dad's.
He was younger than Lucy, born sometime in January or February 1994. When they first met and played together as puppies, she was slightly bigger than him but he'd quickly grow to be more than twice her size and then grow bigger than Magic the Labrador. He was a mutt, I think Border Collie/German shepherd. He was black all over except white on the bottom.
He learned different tricks than Lucy, more manly tricks. They both could sit/stay/come, but Smokey never made noises like "hello". His favorite trick was shaking. He always offered to shake my hand. He barked a lot but he was rarely violent. He did rip off a shirt once but with me he only licked me a lot and shook my hand.
One time when I was in 6th grade though, I decided I was big enough to walk this 80 pound beast. I was wrong. He found something interesting and my scrawny body wasn't strong enough to stop him. I fell over as he escaped. I had a dream that week that actually became a reality. I dreamed that I was a small personal aircraft crashing into power lines as my body ached. And then a California Condor (perhaps named Conor Gillaspie?) landed on top of the downed power lines. This was in 1996 or maybe 1997.
13 years later, this would actually happen. Plane crashes into power lines 2010
He lived a short life, only to age 12 I believe. The most memorable moment is when Attila finally sniffed him after being afraid of him for years. He responded by licking Attila.
He was younger than Lucy, born sometime in January or February 1994. When they first met and played together as puppies, she was slightly bigger than him but he'd quickly grow to be more than twice her size and then grow bigger than Magic the Labrador. He was a mutt, I think Border Collie/German shepherd. He was black all over except white on the bottom.
He learned different tricks than Lucy, more manly tricks. They both could sit/stay/come, but Smokey never made noises like "hello". His favorite trick was shaking. He always offered to shake my hand. He barked a lot but he was rarely violent. He did rip off a shirt once but with me he only licked me a lot and shook my hand.
One time when I was in 6th grade though, I decided I was big enough to walk this 80 pound beast. I was wrong. He found something interesting and my scrawny body wasn't strong enough to stop him. I fell over as he escaped. I had a dream that week that actually became a reality. I dreamed that I was a small personal aircraft crashing into power lines as my body ached. And then a California Condor (perhaps named Conor Gillaspie?) landed on top of the downed power lines. This was in 1996 or maybe 1997.
13 years later, this would actually happen. Plane crashes into power lines 2010
He lived a short life, only to age 12 I believe. The most memorable moment is when Attila finally sniffed him after being afraid of him for years. He responded by licking Attila.
Lucy Lucy Lucy
Everyone remembers Lucy. Lucy was a mottled pup with a cute face and awkward stubby legs. A mix of a Corgi and Australian Shepherd. My mom used to say that "nature didn't intend that dog" but I think she was an early "designer dog" not some mutt found in the street. I think two dog enthusiasts had a Corgi and an Australian Shepherd and bred them.
We got Lucy in the pound when she was about eight months old. She was already housebroken and the reason her owner left her there was because they were moving to an apartment that didn't accept dogs. Lucy was the dog that made me into a dog enthusiast. When I was 11 or 12 I signed up for some magazine called "Santa Clara Dog" and bought books like the "Dog IQ test".
Lucy was a very smart dog, sometimes a little too smart. Over the years, she learned different tricks. Some of them were ones my mom taught her, like sit, stay, come, and "say hello". But others were ones she learned as she tried to trick us herself.
One of the funniest tricks she pulled was shivering. One day in winter she was cold and shivering and my mom let her in. She learned that shivering meant she'd be let inside. So when it was hot in summer and Lucy was shivering, we learned that she remembered shivering let her in before.
I loved to play "Sneak" with Lucy, even though she won 98% of the time. I would try to creep through the backyard and catch her napping, but she'd almost always run up to greet me first. I think she lost a few times. Sometimes she'd jump up in shock and then be happy to see me... only once did I ever surprise her enough to get her to bark.
Lucy was a dog that lived a very long life. 10/14/93 (my guesss) to 6/29/09. Nearly sixteen years.
Lucy's death journal
She was a good dog, even though she often smelled. She had the bark of a dog twice her size.
We got Lucy in the pound when she was about eight months old. She was already housebroken and the reason her owner left her there was because they were moving to an apartment that didn't accept dogs. Lucy was the dog that made me into a dog enthusiast. When I was 11 or 12 I signed up for some magazine called "Santa Clara Dog" and bought books like the "Dog IQ test".
Lucy was a very smart dog, sometimes a little too smart. Over the years, she learned different tricks. Some of them were ones my mom taught her, like sit, stay, come, and "say hello". But others were ones she learned as she tried to trick us herself.
One of the funniest tricks she pulled was shivering. One day in winter she was cold and shivering and my mom let her in. She learned that shivering meant she'd be let inside. So when it was hot in summer and Lucy was shivering, we learned that she remembered shivering let her in before.
I loved to play "Sneak" with Lucy, even though she won 98% of the time. I would try to creep through the backyard and catch her napping, but she'd almost always run up to greet me first. I think she lost a few times. Sometimes she'd jump up in shock and then be happy to see me... only once did I ever surprise her enough to get her to bark.
Lucy was a dog that lived a very long life. 10/14/93 (my guesss) to 6/29/09. Nearly sixteen years.
Lucy's death journal
She was a good dog, even though she often smelled. She had the bark of a dog twice her size.
The Magic Dog
Magic was a dog with a nose for food. I first met Magic when I was seven years old. Upon hearing that her name was Magic, I pet her and declared, "I wish for Sim City!" (I didn't say the SNES one but that's what I meant).
And on my 8th birthday I would get Sim City.
Magic lived a long dog life for a purebred, from June 1988 to sometime in the summer of 2002. She's most famous for forgetting how to bark and getting her head stuck in a box of dog treats.
I now know why Magic stopped barking. It's all because of Magic the Golden Retriever, the mascot for Old Navy. Magic turned into a Navy Seal because of that dog on TV. And my imaginary internet girlfriend HaroldtheBat used to be in the Navy and also used to work at Old Navy. I miss her. Maybe she internet looks me up sometimes. I do read her comments on the Salt Lake Tribune, she's the only Disqus person I ever followed.
And on my 8th birthday I would get Sim City.
Magic lived a long dog life for a purebred, from June 1988 to sometime in the summer of 2002. She's most famous for forgetting how to bark and getting her head stuck in a box of dog treats.
I now know why Magic stopped barking. It's all because of Magic the Golden Retriever, the mascot for Old Navy. Magic turned into a Navy Seal because of that dog on TV. And my imaginary internet girlfriend HaroldtheBat used to be in the Navy and also used to work at Old Navy. I miss her. Maybe she internet looks me up sometimes. I do read her comments on the Salt Lake Tribune, she's the only Disqus person I ever followed.
Attila the Hunter
After my parents divorced around June 1992, when I had just turned seven, Attila remained at the house with my dad. He started killing small birds, maybe two or three of them. But a couple years later he bolted in the house with a living bird. My dad convinced Attila to release the baby bird (it was only a little hurt) and it began to fly in the house before we let it out.
I now realize Attila had avenged his sister. There used to be a family of evil birds on 1191 Payne Dr. When I was four or five birds used to attack me and try to eat my peanut butter sandwiches. They killed Brownie but Attila killed them and let the baby bird live.
I now realize Attila had avenged his sister. There used to be a family of evil birds on 1191 Payne Dr. When I was four or five birds used to attack me and try to eat my peanut butter sandwiches. They killed Brownie but Attila killed them and let the baby bird live.
Hundred and Brownie
Many of you have seen pictures of "Hundred" but that's not the name you remember him by. Most of you know him as Attila because that's what his name became. But after the death of White 99 I was still obsessed with numbers.
In early April 1990, we went up to Portola Valley to visit my mom's friend Lou who had some kittens. My brother wanted a brown cat but I insisted on an orange tabby. We ended up getting both... they were brother and sister.
Hundred (Attila) was always calmer than Brownie. I remember having cat scratches on my arms when I was 5 or 6, probably from Brownie. But once again, a cat would have a very short life. Brownie was always getting into trouble, chewing up my mom's earplugs and throwing them up.
She ended up climbing a very tall tree at our house on 1191 Payne Dr and falling down. The vet couldn't save her. Attila was now the lone pet in the house, not counting the guinea pigs. (They're another story for later.)
In early April 1990, we went up to Portola Valley to visit my mom's friend Lou who had some kittens. My brother wanted a brown cat but I insisted on an orange tabby. We ended up getting both... they were brother and sister.
Hundred (Attila) was always calmer than Brownie. I remember having cat scratches on my arms when I was 5 or 6, probably from Brownie. But once again, a cat would have a very short life. Brownie was always getting into trouble, chewing up my mom's earplugs and throwing them up.
She ended up climbing a very tall tree at our house on 1191 Payne Dr and falling down. The vet couldn't save her. Attila was now the lone pet in the house, not counting the guinea pigs. (They're another story for later.)
White 99
The first pet that I got to name was a white cat. Being a mildly autistic four-year-old, I named it "White 99" because I loved looking at atlases and named it after Highway 99, which was white on the map.
He (she? I don't remember) was a good cat. I remember being curious as to how our cockatiel, Sid (named after Sid Vicious because she looked like Sid Vicious when my mom and dad bought her years before I was born) would make weird noises when White 99 walked by. I didn't understand that Sid was threatened by the predator kitten at the time.
But sadly, White 99's time on this earth would be short. It was November 12, 1989, in Los Altos, CA. 1191 Payne Dr. I was across the street. Maybe it had rained recently (the drought finally having ended) because I remember digging in the mud with my neighbor and friend Brian. I had boogers in my nose at the time, just getting over a mild cold.
White 99 saw Brian and I digging in the mud and wanted to help us. But he/she would never make it across that street, as a car driving too fast down Payne Dr hit White 99, ending his life forever.
That is when I learned about death. I was inconsolable at first until my mom told me I would live to be 100, and then I was happy once again. But my mom was wrong. I'm going to live to be 116 and see the 22nd century!
He (she? I don't remember) was a good cat. I remember being curious as to how our cockatiel, Sid (named after Sid Vicious because she looked like Sid Vicious when my mom and dad bought her years before I was born) would make weird noises when White 99 walked by. I didn't understand that Sid was threatened by the predator kitten at the time.
But sadly, White 99's time on this earth would be short. It was November 12, 1989, in Los Altos, CA. 1191 Payne Dr. I was across the street. Maybe it had rained recently (the drought finally having ended) because I remember digging in the mud with my neighbor and friend Brian. I had boogers in my nose at the time, just getting over a mild cold.
White 99 saw Brian and I digging in the mud and wanted to help us. But he/she would never make it across that street, as a car driving too fast down Payne Dr hit White 99, ending his life forever.
That is when I learned about death. I was inconsolable at first until my mom told me I would live to be 100, and then I was happy once again. But my mom was wrong. I'm going to live to be 116 and see the 22nd century!
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